Boys & Girls

So, I need some feedback regarding the ever-debated question, "Can boys and girls truly ever just be 'friends'??"

This week has been an interesting one for me and this topic has come up on two occasions this week. The first with my B.I.L. and his close girl-FRIEND. They truly are just best friends and that's it. But, their relationship is quite interesting to an outsider because they literally look like boyfriend/girlfriend. In a way, it's SUPER cool. They are cuddle buddies, rely on each other for anything and everything, she can talk about anything she wants and she absolutely loves/adores/is his biggest fan, but again, they are just friends. She actually dates and is totally in love (real "LOVE") with his best friend (and no, for those of you who are wondering or making assumptions, my B.I.L. is NOT homosexual, not that there would be anything wrong with it if he were anyway, but he isn't).

Is this weird?

I don't know. It works for them and I happen to think it's pretty damn cool. Especially since she's one of the sweetest, coolest, nicest girls ever - no drama - and if she would happen to become my "sister" someday, I'd be cool with that. However, the chances of that happening are really slim and either way, I'm sure she'll always be a part of our lives because of their friendship.

But, I have to wonder - Is this normal?

Over the years I've tried to be friends with guys. And honestly, it was normally always a jealous boyfriend that got in the way of those friendships. That's where the B.I.L. and his girl-FRIEND are so lucky, her boyfriend is totally cool with this close friendship. Being a girl, let's be honest here ladies, we get dramatic. What I always loved about a boy-FRIEND is that they could normally cool my jets and give it to me straight and challenge me to think more like a guy. This seriously helped me in a lot of hard times when I went through life transitions in high school and college. Another great aspect of having a boy-FRIEND, again, from a female perspective, is they're always looking out for your best interests and typically won't stab you in the back. Girl-FRIENDS on the other hand can sometimes be your worst influence and are more likely to stab you in the back at some point....

The other aspect of my life this week where this question has come up is with me personally and a guy I work with. He started at my office last October (2010) and we've gotten really close because we go on several meetings together and he's on my "team" in our office. He is 30, married to a sweet, beautiful lady and they have 2 kids, boy and girl. So right off the bat we have a ton in common. I'm married and have two kids also. We also both love to run, golf, go to movies, enjoy adult beverages and share our stories from college, marriage, etc. We normally don't talk about anything real serious, it's usually pretty light, casual and fun conversation. He never lets a holiday go by without a gift or a lunch outing/happy hour - He basically is just an awesome guy and has become a great friend or seriously my first, "buddy". I think guy-FRIENDS are buddies.

I have to wonder though, if the shoe were on the other foot - would I be OK if Luke had a friend like this? Truthfully, I don't know how would react to it, but I can say that I trust Luke more than anybody. A female friend probably wouldn't be such a bad thing for him because maybe she'd convince him to buy more flowers and gifts or bottles of wine for me! I can honestly say that my buddy has helped me to cool my jets with the usual female drama and getting mad at Luke over stupid stuff- or as my dad would say, the "ant shit vs. elephant shit" things in life. I hear him talk about things his wife does or says and it helps me to look at myself and moderate my own behavior towards my husband.

In my 26 years, here is where I know and believe I draw the line on what's OK and what's not with boys and girls being just "friends" - if these things are done, I think that it's more than friends and the intentions of this friendship, with one party or the other, may be different than just having an innocent friendship:

1. You do, say or act more comfortably with this "friend" than you would your partner or spouse. If you are telling this friend secrets about you or anyone else that you feel you couldn't tell your partner or spouse, this is a serious problem. You should trust your partner or spouse more than anyone, that's why you chose to make them your partner or spouse. The same goes for any actions with this person. If you don't feel comfortable acting like yourself or doing things you feel comfortable doing around your partner or spouse - there's a problem and clearly an elephant in the room that needs to be addressed.
2. You say, "I love you," to this person. I'm sure there is some debate about this, but I just don't think it's appropriate to be throwing around these 3 words. I'm sure you do "love" this person, but don't say it like that. "Love" should be reserved for your partner or spouse and be exclusive.
3. You talk to and pay attention more to this person more than your partner or spouse when they are both around you. I don't care how cool or how un-jealous someone is toward the friendship, this just isn't cool. Again, I'm sure there is popular debate about this, but to me, seems like a no-brainer. If Luke were paying more attention to another female all night long at some event, I would be pissed and not afraid to admit it.
4. You would rather hang out or go do stuff with this "friend" than your partner or spouse. This is a given. If you would rather go see that "must see" movie or shop or go out to eat or go grab a drink with this boy or girl-FRIEND rather than your partner or spouse, again, elephant in the room that needs to be talked about. One of the most important factors in any relationship is your ability to go play together! If your partner or spouse doesn't want to go play and you like to go play, you may need to consider addressing this issue.
5. You constantly talk about this person to your partner or spouse. This is just annoying. Don't do it and if you have a lot to say about the person, wonderful, tell it to your mom or a girlfriend or guyfriend that won't care or have hurt feelings about your overflow of information about this person.

Those 5 things being said, I can honestly say that my friendship with my co-worker doesn't violate any of these. He's definitely a cool cat, but I'd take my husband over him any day and any time.

In my opinion, boys and girls can play nice together and we can be friends, but I think we do need to be careful. People talk, people assume and people are sensitive. Even someone like Luke that appears all tough, I'm still always conscious of his feelings and am careful. I think that's important.

Anyway, enough about boys and girls for now... Life continues to show me things and I so enjoy blogging about them!!