Sweet Nothings & Random Thoughts

My intern is gone today and I'm selfishly upset about it. He unfortunately had a death in his family and will be gone for the next two days. You mean I actually have to make copies, respond to emails, run errends and return phone calls myself? What? With all the bitching and moaning I've been doing about this intern and his lack of common sense, he seriously does so much for me and I, like a jerk, don't realize it until he's gone. I plan to do something nice for him when he comes back and let me him know how much I appreciate what he does for me on a daily basis (in a non-creepy way). I'm open to suggestions on how to do this (in a non-creepy way).

I also got in a fight with my husband last night. Nothing major or anything, just a little spat. And it was my fault, which is so hard for me to admit, but it's true. I even admitted it was my fault and said I was sorry, so we're fine now. It all started because Luke was checking out houses online. The housing market around our area is dirt cheap for HUGE houses that typically have a sizable amount of land associated with them. Example: 4 bedroom, 3 bathroom home. Fully finished. 4 acres of land. All hard wood floors, yadda yadda yadda, some other nice stuff too, goes for $135,000 - $175,000. For those that don't know squat about the housing market, that's dirt cheap right there (why I just mocked Larry the Cable Guy, I don't know, but it just works because that's how folks talk in Wisconsin).

Long story short, Luke thinks it's possible for us to buy a house and I was being really negative about the whole thing. I get nervous when we talk about spending large sums of the money we've worked hard to save. But, naturally, it makes sense to invest that money into a home and some land. DUH. In hindsight, I understand why he got frustrated with my negative attitude. And I get it, we should consider it and we most likely will. I think I was just negative because both boys were "in a mood" last night (aka - didn't take good naps at school or daycare) and there were a million things to get done around my house. Had Luke approached me after the kids went to bed and had I finally had a chance to sit down and relax, the conversation would have been much different.

I also plan on getting hubs something to show how much I love and appreciate him. I love that he wants to grow and achieve and get a home and is thinking about the future for our family. Why was I being so negative?!?! How crappy of me.

Basically the point of my conversation today is that I need to appreciate the people in my life a little more. I need to slow down and smell the friggin' roses (literally and metaphorically).

So to get things started on the right foot, here are five things I'm grateful for today:

1. I got to spend the morning with my children. They drove into work with me and my mom picked them up to take them for the day. I got to hold them, kiss them and hear their voices for longer than a normal day. It was fantastic.
2. My husband already said "I love you" to me 3 times today. And meant it.
3. I got to spend quality one-on-one time with my boss talking about important issues and constructive ideas, rather than rushing through and not having his full attention. Seriously priceless - His insight is amazingly helpful and useful for professional growth.
4. I remembered my niece's and brother's birthdays and am sending them little cards and gifts in the mail today!
5. I have amazing friends. 

I will also end with this quote I came across in my readings this week:

Lisa Jackson, "To be a strong woman, you don't have to give up on the things that define you as a woman. Empowering yourself doesn't have to mean rejecting motherhood, or eliminating the nurturing or feminine aspects of who you are."

Amen, Lisa. Amen.

Gratitude.

Colton - 2 Years. 9 Months.

Jacob - 1 year. 2 months.

I'm so grateful for my beautiful sons.

They light up my life and give me more joy than I could have ever expected.

In so many ways they have made me a better person.

I never knew my heart was capable of holding so much love.

Lucas & Nicole

And it all happened because we met, feel in love and come what may, will get through it all together.

Monday is a great day to name all the things we're thankful for. What are you most grateful for?

Randoms & Tidbits

I was driving into work this morning (which by the way has been averaging an hour and a half on the road because of summer road construction) and it occurred to me... My 27th birthday is in exactly two months.  TWENTY SEVEN. For anyone out there reading this that is older than me, I know you're rolling your eyes, but holy crap, I suddenly felt old, wondering when the hell my life started flying by so fast.

One of my close friends is about to have her second child. I'm anxious and excited for her. I'm thankful I will finally have a friend that has two children and someone that will really know and understand what I go through every day. I also feel like we're on a similar level when it comes to motherhood. If you're a mom, you know what I mean by this statement...

Being off  Facebook has been one of the best decisions I've ever made for my professional and personal life. I realized Facebook was making it difficult for me to look forward instead of backward. I'd be sucked into old pictures, thoughts of old flings, old habits and old friends - frequently wondering "what if" and feeling haunted by my past choices and feeling incapable of letting go - sometimes good, sometimes bad - but mostly just keeping and holding me back. Needless to say the freedom from all of this nonsense is freaking fantastic.

I've been reading a lot lately. Plowing through the books. I've read three books (700 page books) in the past three weeks. Not to mention I've been gobbling up magazine articles at work (mostly financial and work related materials). I love reading again. I love the house when it's completely quiet (after the kids go to bed) and I sit up and read. Luke usually stays by me too, sometimes it's nice to enjoy the quiet with your mate - there's something about it - it's just you two, alone, in the quiet, it's nice. More than nice.

I've also managed to make time for my friends and girl time. I'm surrounded by men all the time, at work and at home. Girl time is NECESSARY for me and flat out mandatory at least once a month, if not more.

My kids are getting easier and easier everyday. It hurts me that we don't have any little babies anymore - we have little boys! Luke and I have kicked around the idea of having more children someday, probably just one more. However, we also like the thought of being in our early 40's when our kids head off to college... And I have a hard time deciphering in my heart if we're meant to have more children... Time will tell.

Enough about me... What's been happening lately in your life that's given you freedom, relief or gratitude?

... In A Rut

I think I experienced my quarter-life crisis.

Lately I have felt stuck. Out of place. A little anxious. Waiting. Expecting. Changing?

I haven't been blogging at all lately. Maybe because I haven't had anything exciting to share, not to mention I've been busier than busy. Crazy more like. The last time I did write though was about how I'm a crazy working mom and all the things that I have to do everyday. After I wrote it it dawned on me that I shouldn't be having to feel so overwhelmed all the time for all the responsibilities I have - shouldn't my husband be sharing some of these burdens with me? Why do I feel so alone?

So I gave this some thought. Why DO I feel so alone? Probably because I was alone most of the time, in the responsibility sharing anyway. I may not have been physically alone all the time, although I was a lot, I felt alone because I was, and am, the only person in my household that takes our lives by the reigns, takes control and takes responsibility.

I cried. A lot. I felt disappointment my life was where it was at and confused as to how it got there. I was so unhappy. I still do feel unhappy, but not as bad as I was feeling because I realized that in this life, in my life, sometimes you just do what you have to do.

I also realized that I needed to talk with my husband. A serious "come to Jesus" kind of talk if you know what I mean.  I told my husband how I felt. I told him there was a big difference between "helping around the house" and "actually taking responsibility for things". I swear I could go on and on and on about all the things I do that I feel my husband doesn't even notice - Really? Do you think some magic fairy comes in here while we're at work everyday? -- Regardless -- I told him I needed some help. That I couldn't do it anymore. I was exhausted and on the verge of breakdown.

The response I got from him wasn't ideal. I'm still hurting from it and the fact that maybe this is it for me. I may be alone and feel alone for a while, at least until the boys get older and they will want to do more boy-type things with their dad. But here is the difference - you see the picture above? I was feeling like the guy in yellow, but now I'm starting to feel more like that annoying-ly happy and optimistic person in pink. Maybe not quite that giddy, but close enough to satisfy me for now.

I also think I had a skewed picture of my husband in my head up until this point. I thought he would change and grow and he hasn't. A man is only as good as the woman who stands behind him/beside him, so the past few weeks when I've been having my quarter-life crisis, he hasn't been the greatest either, probably because he can sense my unhappiness. As a result, I'm trying to come to terms with the fact that he is at where he is at and as long as he is happy with who he is and where he is going, I should be too, right?

Except I'm not. I want him to be better. I want him to want to be better. I want him to work harder. I want him to want to work harder. I want him to spend time with me and the boys. I want him to want to spend time with me and the boys. I want him to drink less. I want him to want to drink less. I don't tell him these things. I stay supportive and positive. After all, nagging is the number one reason couples get divorced these days...

And we are getting better. My husband and I are going on a date night tonight. I'm trying here, guys. I told him we need to make an effort to hang out with each other at least a couple times a month. He agreed - willingly, might I add. It was scary thinking that my marriage was sort of rocky for a few weeks there - we've never experienced something like that before and I know it won't be the last time.

The biggest thing I want from him is to put us, me, his wife, and his children, our sons, first and foremost instead of trying to do everything else besides just simply be with us and be content.

It's hard. But right now I don't feel as alone as I did a couple weeks ago and that is definitely a sign things are going in the right direction. I never would have made it through these weeks without My Faith or my wonderful mother, who always has an ear to listen, a heart to open and courage to tell me the ugly truth when I need to hear it.

I promise to write about some financial or health and wellness fluff later this week.

Thanks for those that made it through this rant post.

Freedom

Freedom isn't all it's cracked up to be.

"...Yep. That's how I intend to keep it. No responsibilities," my coworker said to me last week when I commented on his care-free, cavalier lifestyle. Although I gave off the impression to him that I'm jealous, I'm not. I can't imagine what it would be like to have no mate, no children and no regard for anyone but yourself. How selfish. How silly. How foreign to a wife and mother like me.

Freedom isn't all it's cracked up to be.

This past Saturday my children stayed with my parents while Luke and I got a chance to have a "date day" and went to a surprise party for one of our friends. "Date day" was awesome. We went golfing, had a couple of cocktails and were home by 4:30ish. We took a shower and got ready for the surprise party. Dinner and the surprise were both fun, but over by about 9:00 and then everyone wanted to go to the bar. All I wanted to do was go home and snuggle in bed with my husband and our kids.

We proceeded to the bar. I really didn't want to be there and I suck at hiding my feelings. Even when I try to hide it, they're still written all over my face and my actions and people usually perceive my as a bitch at that point - I don't even care anymore what they think because that's exactly how I'm acting and they have every right to think that way about me. No I don't want a drink. No I definitely don't want a shot of anything and by the way, I don't care how good of friends you are with my husband, do. not. touch. me. Yep. That's basically the vibe I gave off all night. I sipped on a few beers and pretended to take a shot with our birthday friend. We got home at 3:00 A.M. I was sober and completely exhausted. Husband was not even a sliver of sober and also completely exhausted.

Freedom isn't all it's cracked up to be.

I woke up at 7 A.M. yesterday, put a pot of coffee on and was so anxious. I just wanted to be with my children. I hated the fact that I was missing banana pancakes, Mickey Mouse Clubhouse and morning snuggles. I went to the grocery store and stocked up on all things healthy for the week. Finally 10:00 A.M. arrived and I got to pick up the boys. I cried when I picked them up I was so overcome with happiness to see them. Geez I'm totally crazy - we weren't even apart for 24 hours at that point. They were both equally excited and happy to see me too.

Freedom isn't all it's cracked up to be.

My morning and early afternoon was filled with hugs, sloppy kisses, sidewalk chalk, trucks, cars, tractors, macoroni and cheese, bubbles and a two-hour nap next to my one-year old and a pile of clean laundry that needed to be folded... That two hours of sleep was better than any rest I got all weekend.

Freedom isn't all it's cracked up to be.

Evening was filled with more sloppy kisses, hugs, cuddling, lightning mcqueen, trike rides, a drive by the river with the windows down, steak dinner, bath time and a movie. I was in bed early and felt my husband come in later and hug and kiss me goodnight.

Freedom isn't all it's cracked up to be.

So many people think we're crazy. So what? We love our married life and our children. Freedom isn't all it's cracked up to be, which is something you can only discover once you're not free.

I Just Want to Be (Super Duper) Mad for a While...

I got really angry at my husband this weekend. The kind of anger that makes your blood boil, blood pressure rise, tears well up in your eyes and words come out of your mouth that you have no control over and you never imagined yourself ever, ever saying. And what's worse? I have honestly never felt this type of angst toward my husband in our over 7 years together. I made him sleep on the couch because I couldn't even stand the thought of his toe accidently touching mine while we slept.

So, what'd he do to get me here? Let's just say it was a combination of events...

A couple weeks ago I was buzzing around in the kitchen making dinner. Both boys were hanging on my legs. Jacob is going through a major mommy phase right now, so when I come home from work I am "all the rage" to my young boys. It's truly amazing what I've leard to do one-handed... While I was attemping to stir bread dough with my left hand and keep my toddler out of the flour and hold the baby, I started asking my husband what our plans were for the next couple of weeks. I hoped we could possibly get out for a date night just the two of us since it's way overdue... I was also hoping we could be somewhat low-key and not spend too much money since we are getting ready to take a trip to North Dakota at the end of this month to see family. (And in case you haven't noticed, gas prices aren't exactly cheap these days...)

"Actually this weekend my dad got me and my brothers tickets to an Outdoor Convention Show and then next weekend I'm volunteering at the Ellsworth Chicken Feed all day on Saturday."

This was the first blood boiling moment. Both of these events meant he would most likely be drunk (get completely shitfaced) and be completely hungover the next day.

Why would this irritate me? Because he planned out our weekends without consulting me or asking me if any of this was alright with me. IF we were married without kids, fine, do whatever you want, but we have two YOUNG children. There is an "unwritten code" that states you have to ask your spouse before making plans on a weekend without the other spouse - especially if those plans involve drinking. Why you say? Because when you drink, not only are you away from your kids while the drinking takes place, but if you're anything like my husband, it also usually means he's in bed all day the next day (or at least a good portion of the next day) too. Then before we know it it's Monday and I go back to work and I've spent zero time with my husband.

I took a deep breath, smiled and said in a overly sarcastic voice, "Good for you! I'm so glad you planned out the rest of the month of March without consulting me." Not my proudest moment. But, seriously?!?! I never, ever make plans without asking my husband in advance if it's alright with him. I really wish he would extend me the same courtesy.

And so, this weekend rolled around. I was really looking forward to having some quality time with the kids, but I was less than thrilled about the events to come for hubby. He informed me that the event started at noon, so we headed over to my mother-in-law's (I was planning to hang with her for the day). When we got to her house, she said the event didn't start until 4:30 in the afternoon. This was another blood boiling moment. My husband lied to me about what time the event started and I called him out on it. When I said, "I thought you said the event started at noon?" He replied...

"I said I didn't know what time the event started."

I wasn't about to get into it with my mother-in-law standing right there, so I let it go. He literally looked me in the eyes earlier that morning and said it started at noon. But whatevs. Strike 2. First you plan without me and now you lie. Real cool. NOT.

I quickly shook this off after I had the best day ever with my kids. We didn't abide by any schedules, rules or anything and it was amazing. They were blissfully happy and so was I. I was sad in the back of my mind that Luke missed out on their first photo with the Easter Bunny and all the fun we had outside, but tried not to think about it too much - he made his choice. And I had a really great time with the M.I.L. too - she's an amazing lady...


Colt (2) & Jake (11 Months) with Easter Bunny 2012


Because we were on a "no rules or regulations" schedule on Saturday, the kids slept until 7PM for naps. I called Luke to check in at that point and I could tell that he had already had quite a bit to drink. I told him that we were going to eat dinner then I was going to pick him up to come home. He agreed.

After dinner, my M.I.L. suggested that I go get Luke by myself, then come back to get the kids. What a wise, wise woman. I'm so glad I took her advice.

As I made my way down to pick up Luke, I started preparing myself for the worst. I knew he'd been drinking all day and having fun with his family and buddies, but kept reminding myself that he doesn't get to do this too often anymore. I was fine, truthfully, and was actually happy he got to go out and have some fun.

I went inside to pick him up and we made our way out to the car. Surprisingly, he didn't seem too bad, but definitely had had more than just a couple of beers... We started talking on the way home. Laughing out the events from both of our days, then he made a remark about all the guys taking turns buying rounds of drinks and so I asked, "How much money did you spend?" He replied...

"I spent a lot of money today. Probably $150 trying to win stuff in addition to drinks and food."

This was it. This was the moment. I exploded. You planned two weekends out of this month without me, I blew it off. You lied to me about the time and place of your event to get more time away. I blew it off. But, now you're telling me you blew (possibly) over $200 of our money on CRAP, JUNK, NOTHING?! I never use this word, but seriously WTF?????? Not OK.

All day yesterday I was still stewing, again, this is not like me at all. I apologized to Luke for flipping out the way I did. I think I just need to let myself be mad for a little while until I can sort all this out. Luke said it was OK that I got mad; he knew he had it coming, but he didn't apologize to me at all. Should he have? I don't know.

I'm still sitting on all these feelings today. It wasn't just the money thing, it was everything. The planning without me, lying to me and then on top of it all, spending so selfishly and carelessly. All these characteristics aren't like my husband at all - not the man I've known for the past 7 years of my life anyway.

I need some time. I need to pray. I need to act. I'm sure we will work it out, but man, right now I just need to be mad for a little while...

A Little Irish History - The Claddagh Ring

claddagh ring - "irish wedding ring"

In honor of my Irish heritage and St. Patrick's Day tomorrow, I thought I'd give a little history lesson about the Claddagh Ring, better know as the "Irish Wedding Ring".

No doubt that you've seen this ring before. You probably even have one of your own, but did you know that the heritage of this ring and the meaning of its symbols date all the way back to the Roman period? The ring was first introduced in Claddagh, Ireland, during the 17th century and the rein of William and Mary. Claddagh has produced these rings consistently since 1700, but the name Claddagh Ring didn't start being used until 1840 or so.

Traditionally the Claddagh Ring was a family heirloom that was passed from a mother onto her first married daughter. They were large and made of solid gold. The design of the ring spread beyond Claddagh during the era of Queen Victoria and became widespread during the 20th century.

The story (legend) of the Claddagh Ring... has so much folklore and myth attached to it that it is difficult to know where legend ends and truth begins. (Ida Delamer)

The design and positioning of the Claddagh ring bears significant meaning to the beholder. The elements of the ring are said to represent the qualities of love (the heart), friendship (the hands) and loyalty (the crown). They are a symbol of great pride for those of Irish heritage and also a symbol of friendship and love among others of non-Irish or Irish heritage.

Claddagh rings are used in romantic or friendly relationship depending on the intentions of the wearer and/or the giver. How the ring is worn by the wearer conveys relationship status in the following ways:

1. On the right hand with the heart facing outward, the wearer is single and may be looking for love.
2. On the right hand but turned inwards, the wearer is in a relationship, or their heart has been "captured".
3. On the left hand with the heart facing outward, the wearer is engaged.
4. On the left hand but turned inwards, the wearer is married.

There are other local variations about the way the ring is worn and what it means, but these four are the most traditional.

So there you have it, a little Irish history - light and fluffy for a Friday. I wish everyone a safe and happy St. Patrick's Day!

::Transitioning::

Wow, I think I've officially hit a mid-mid-life crisis as of late.

I have so many thoughts and emotions running through my mind that I seriously never thought could be true about myself. Most notably, I've seriously contemplated walking away from my career and staying at home with my kids and having more children. Also notable, I want to dedicate more time to socializing and getting my kids involved with our new community in Hudson.



Please note, I have no interest in being this...

 I know, I know... You're all thinking I want to be some soccer, super-mom, and hey, maybe I do, but...


I'd want to be more like this... OMG off the shoulder top + skinny's = HAWT :)














The other things stirring in my heart is to just be more involved in our community with other mom's and dad's and with other people that have kids.

Newsflash: Luke and I got married a lot sooner than any of our friends and we have kids on top of that. I seriously have no girlfriends that I can talk to that can relate to me and my lifestyle. And it sucks. I'm not saying that I can't talk to my girlfriends, I love them and right now they are my escape from reality when I need it, but I've noticed that my husband and I, as much as we love each other, are suffocating each other because we aren't involved in anything and aren't doing anything and we have no one else to talk to besides our parents that understand where we're at in life. Pathetic? Yes, please - with a side of a little depressing.

Tonight we are going to join the YMCA so we can at least get our family involved at an athletic facility. Not to mention the YMCA is a non-profit and all proceeds go back to the building, making it better for the community - I like this.

But, other than this - we have no outlet for ourselves or for our kids right now. They will start daycare in the coming months when Luke goes back to work, but again, we're all SUFFOCATING EACH OTHER RIGHT NOW.

We have to get out.
We have to get involved.
Or I'm seriously going to lose my mind.

I need a book club or a mom's night out  or a toddler time club or a church group - anything. I'm not giving up until I find something for myself and for my kids at least... My coworker already offered to let Luke join his softball team and I'm definitely taking him up on that and Luke said he'd love it too. It sounds like a bunch of dudes that love to drink beer, they're all married and they all have kids. BINGO - that's Luke to a "T"! Luke needs in on that. Plus he loves sports and rocks at softball. As Charlie Sheen would say - ::winning:: -

My life is soo boring right now and I'm not learning or growing or brining any substance to any table - I feel like I've become a piece of stale, old bread or something - I just need to get more involved and be more active in the community with other people, not just by myself running or working out or going to work. Everyday is starting to feel like the movie Groundhog Day and although it's comfortable and I like my routine, holy balls I need some friggin' fun and excitement in my life right now. Something STIMULATING.

I have no clue how to talk about this with Luke without hurting his feelings, but I know for a fact he's just as bored as I am right now. We're young, we're healthy and we're friggin' losin' our minds sittin' around the house all the time.

Phew. I feel better already just blogging about it.

Later, dudes and dudets.

Need. To. Vent.

My best friend's family is seriously going too far with taking advantage of her. I can't take it anymore. If she doesn't say something I'm honestly contemplating having a heart-to-heart with her mother and older sister myself.

For privacy purposes in honor of my friend, she is referred to as "Sharon" in my blog. I've noted this in a past entry that I refer to her as "Sharon" because she resemles the character "Sharon" on my favorite soap opera The Young and The Restless. The. Best. Soap. Ever.

History: Sharon's mom moved in with her and boyfriend almost 1 year ago. She had lost her job, times are tough right now in the economy and she needed a place to live. Sharon's boyfriend agreed to have her mom come and move in at no cost to her until she could afford to pay them, then eventually get out and find her own place. In the past year, Sharon has not only provided and paid for a place for her mom to live, she has also given her money to put gas into her car, pay her bills, buy food and even provided spending money. Not only has Sharon been doing these things for her mom, but she's been doing these things for her older sister too.

Sharon's mom found a job and has been working for a while now, maybe 6 months, and has found her own place to live and plans to move in March 1st. She also made the decision to go back to school and is collecting student loans, some of the loan money is going to go toward paying for her new place to live.

Sharon's older sister is also back in school down south - Sharon's mom has been paying for everything for her older sister (phone, $400 per month car payment, spending money, gas, you name it) because she can't find a job down at school. Because of this, Sharon's mom still has no money to support herself because every cent she's earning is going toward Sharon's older sister, and as a result, Sharon is left paying for her mom, basically providing for her mom, and her sister some too if her mom can't afford something.

Sharon told me this morning that she is so close to just saying, "Screw it" and walking away from everything (boyfriend included because obviously this whole situation has put a major damper on their relationship) and let her family figure their own situations out for themselves. For pete's sake they are friggin' adults! What is going on here?!?

However, Sharon has too kind of heart to do this to her family. I'm trying to encourage her to seriously talk to them and say how much she loves them and wants to help them, but she has emotional, physical and mental limits! She's being stretched way too thin right now.

She had 2 lines crossed this morning by her mom and sister:

1. Mom asked if Sharon could pay for her deposit at her new place. Really? How are you thinking you can afford rent if you can't pay for your deposit? Her mom even had the nerve to say to her (something along the lines of), "What's the big deal? Don't you have that money in your savings?" - Yes, Sharon does, but it's HER SAVINGS.
2. Her sister told Sharon this morning that she's going to use some of the money from her tax return to go on a spring break trip with her friends from school to New Orleans (and not to say anything to their mom about it). Really? How about putting your family first and paying them back some of the money you owe them OR better yet, SAVING THE MONEY to start paying some of your own bills?

You guys, I'm at my wits end here. On top of all this, both mom and sister have (what sounds like) terrible spending habits (i.e. going out to eat, purchasing things out of their means, etc.). I love Sharon, and I love her family too, but they are seriously really taking advantage of her right now.

I advised her to talk to them about what's she's feeling before she says or does something she regrets and that her family doesn't see coming. At least if she tells them that she's at her wits end and they need to figure their lives out or she's cutting them off, they know what's coming...

Thoughts?

Apology

Apologize: [uh-pol-uh-jahyz]

To offer a formal defense or excuse for some fault, failure, insult or injury.

Yesterday was the first blog that I wrote on a rampage and in a state of frustration. Although I felt much better after I wrote it, I did feel a little guilty writing about it before discussing my feelings with my husband. I'm pretty good about not keeping things bottled in - but, yesterday my emotions got away with me. Particularly too because I got girlfriends involved and they tend to dish out bad advice that feeds the fire of frustration and angst. (Love my girls, but it's so true).

One of the most difficult things for me to get used to with being married is having to watch out for my husband's pride, the definition of pride being: A high or inordinate opinion of one's own dignity, importance, merit, or superiority, whether as cherished in the mind or as displayed in bearing, conduct, etc. Men have a lot of this thing called "pride". Women do too, but it's different for a man and I never fully understood that until I got married.

Anyway, apologies to all and most importantly to hubby for ranting and raving on about my frustrations. I'm sure it won't be the last rant to enter this space...

I'm thoroughly looking forward to having some time with my best friend this weekend!

Trouble in Paradise

For those that don't know, my husband has a seasonal job. He's working to transition as full-owner of his dad's company - truthfully, the full ownership is probably 5-10 years off, but he is going to work towards becoming a partial owner this year. MB&Boys, Inc. is the name of (soon-to-be) their company, specializing in concrete flatwork needs (sidewalks, driveways, foundations, anything that is flat and concrete). When he is "on season", he works long days - dusk until dawn - and sometimes on the weekends too. However, when work comes to a hault for the season, obviously his life completely takes a 180 - he ain't doin' nothin'.

Prior to him deciding to do this, we agreed that he would stay home with our kids (2-year-old and 9-month-old) since daycare runs us roughly $1,300 per month for both. Simple math, it's more affordable for us to have Luke stay home with them if he isn't working. Plus, it's hard enough right now to find ANY job, try finding an off-season job that is also "seasonal" during the winter months - it's about impossible - unless he wanted to wrap Christmas presents at Macy's ((chuckling)). Highly doubtful.

At first he was excited to stay home with the boys. He'd say, "How hard could it be?" or, "You don't think I can do this? Of course I can." - At first I was nervous for him because I know how long the days can be when I have both boys alone, without help and without another adult to talk to. The first few weeks of him staying home with the boys weren't so bad because we were still living with my folks. They were home to help him and my mom even took care of them for Luke a few days out of the week so he could go do stuff - like ice fish with my dad, run errends, work out, you name it. However, the situation has drastically changed now that we have our own home in Hudson - 65 miles away from my parents and 25 miles away from his parents - 5 days a week, 9 hours from when I leave home until I come back after work.

To say the least, this situation is starting to take a toll on him. I've suggested getting the kids out to a pool at the YMCA in town, taking them to book reading time at the library (scheduled 3-4 times per week between Hudson and River Falls - 5 miles away - libraries), getting involved in a "daddy and me" class, taking the kids to visit his mom at work or his dad out at the shop, coming to visit me at work and going out for lunch and his usual reply is to (1) tune out to any of my suggestions or (2) complain that it's too much work. And I get frustrated with these responses because (1) no female likes to get ignored, especially when she's only trying to be helpful and (2) really? too much work? So, you're going to deprive our children of socialization because you don't want to do the extra work of packing a diaper bag?

Needless to say I'm really frustrated with him right now. We need to have a discussion and find a different solution because let me tell you, I have patience and tolerance for a crabby toddler or baby, but I have ZERO patience for a crabby spouse - especially when (sorry to say it so frankly), it isn't my fault that he's unhappy with his situation. We talked, agreed and decided on this situation and I tried to warn him that it wasn't going to be easy. I'm not trying to be like, "I TOLD YOU SO!" - But, seriously, I did tell him so...

You guys, something has to change. It's been almost 2 weeks of him being alone with our kids all week and it's really, really taking a toll. Not  to mention, winter is LONG here in Minnesota/Wisconsin - we have a lot of weeks left before he goes back to work.

Case in point - 3 weeks ago I told him I had plans this Saturday with my friends - which, might I add, I rarely make time for my friends because weekends are my quality time with my kids - but, last time I had plans, I cancelled because I wasn't feeling the greatest. I haven't had a whole day with friends since last June! Seriously, it's time - And, hubby agreed that he would take the kids to his parents. Well, since these new events and feelings and frustrations have developed with him choosing to be cooped up all day staying home with our children, he wants to go ice fishing up north on Saturday... Saturday, the day I was supposed to have time with my friends, remember?

I'm totally compromised. I work all week, come home and hubby checks out mentally, make dinner, clean, bathe kids, read to the kids, put them to bed, then - get up at 4:45 AM to go to the gym before everyone wakes up - repeat.

I need time with my friends too, right?

Now, we're scrambling to try and find a solution for taking care of our children on Saturday and I may end up cancelling my plans so he can go fish.

I know that men weren't meant to be taking care of babies and toddlers - he loves our children dearly, and is wonderful to them - but, it comes more naturally to me. When they're older, this may be a different story because he could just take them with him fishing or hunting or eventually, out drinking or something, but until then, it's going to be tough.

Normally I'm good about compromising and letting hubby do whatever he pleases, but I'm putting my foot down this weekend. I need this time with my friends.

Sometimes marriage is really hard. Sometimes having children is really hard. But, we've done really well so far, this is the first sort of "blip" in the road. Maybe we need to put the kids in daycare a couple days a week so Luke doesn't feel so isolated?

Help? Suggestions?

Tribute to the Hubby, Lucas

Allow me to introduce to you my friends, my husband and best friend, Lucas. He goes by "Luke" most of the time, or "The Duke", "Guns", "Big B", "Daddy" (to our sons) or my personal favorite, "Junior" (his dad calls him this and I don't know why, but it's adorable).

I chose this photo because this, in a nutshell, is my husband. Yes, he's a jock (obsessed with college footbal), loves summertime on the lake, loves to enjoy adult beverages from time-to-time, is a great dancer, is super low-maintenance and last but not least, is so-o naturally handsome - I mean, hello? This man is so gorg. But you know what, he honestly doesn't know it and is as modest as they come.

One of the biggest attributes about Luke that I've always admired and quite frankly, been jealous of, is the fact that no matter where he is or who he is around, this is who he is. He doesn't change. He doesn't feel ashamed. He is who he is and if someone doesn't like it, he doesn't fret about it or care.

Truthfully, Luke and I couldn't be more opposite. Luke is totally low maintenance, a good-ol' country boy easy going and a man's man. I am (somewhat) high maintenance, I've definitely gotten better, a suburb girl, can be uptight sometimes and a ladies' lady.

How did we ever come to love each other so much and get married? Because Luke taught and showed me that life is beautiful, fun, but it's tough too, and that's where he comes in - to help me get through it and hold my hand. He also taught me to LET GO, get the stick out of my butt and have some fun with life. He's the first guy that I ever fully opened myself up to and I told him everything. And let me tell you, he fought hard for that because I was holding those walls up around my heart for a long time.

I love him so much and "love" doesn't even feel like it's enough to say. How do you show and tell someone, hey, you've changed my life in ways that I never imagined? I'm a better person because you came into my life? You make me constantly want to be better and do better? You've given me moments in my life that I never thought could happen?

I know marriage isn't for everybody, but I am pro-marriage and definitely will be blogging more about it in the future, I'm sure.

Anyway, enough about the hubby and marriage - I know it's not a topic for everyone, but thanks for listening!