... In A Rut

I think I experienced my quarter-life crisis.

Lately I have felt stuck. Out of place. A little anxious. Waiting. Expecting. Changing?

I haven't been blogging at all lately. Maybe because I haven't had anything exciting to share, not to mention I've been busier than busy. Crazy more like. The last time I did write though was about how I'm a crazy working mom and all the things that I have to do everyday. After I wrote it it dawned on me that I shouldn't be having to feel so overwhelmed all the time for all the responsibilities I have - shouldn't my husband be sharing some of these burdens with me? Why do I feel so alone?

So I gave this some thought. Why DO I feel so alone? Probably because I was alone most of the time, in the responsibility sharing anyway. I may not have been physically alone all the time, although I was a lot, I felt alone because I was, and am, the only person in my household that takes our lives by the reigns, takes control and takes responsibility.

I cried. A lot. I felt disappointment my life was where it was at and confused as to how it got there. I was so unhappy. I still do feel unhappy, but not as bad as I was feeling because I realized that in this life, in my life, sometimes you just do what you have to do.

I also realized that I needed to talk with my husband. A serious "come to Jesus" kind of talk if you know what I mean.  I told my husband how I felt. I told him there was a big difference between "helping around the house" and "actually taking responsibility for things". I swear I could go on and on and on about all the things I do that I feel my husband doesn't even notice - Really? Do you think some magic fairy comes in here while we're at work everyday? -- Regardless -- I told him I needed some help. That I couldn't do it anymore. I was exhausted and on the verge of breakdown.

The response I got from him wasn't ideal. I'm still hurting from it and the fact that maybe this is it for me. I may be alone and feel alone for a while, at least until the boys get older and they will want to do more boy-type things with their dad. But here is the difference - you see the picture above? I was feeling like the guy in yellow, but now I'm starting to feel more like that annoying-ly happy and optimistic person in pink. Maybe not quite that giddy, but close enough to satisfy me for now.

I also think I had a skewed picture of my husband in my head up until this point. I thought he would change and grow and he hasn't. A man is only as good as the woman who stands behind him/beside him, so the past few weeks when I've been having my quarter-life crisis, he hasn't been the greatest either, probably because he can sense my unhappiness. As a result, I'm trying to come to terms with the fact that he is at where he is at and as long as he is happy with who he is and where he is going, I should be too, right?

Except I'm not. I want him to be better. I want him to want to be better. I want him to work harder. I want him to want to work harder. I want him to spend time with me and the boys. I want him to want to spend time with me and the boys. I want him to drink less. I want him to want to drink less. I don't tell him these things. I stay supportive and positive. After all, nagging is the number one reason couples get divorced these days...

And we are getting better. My husband and I are going on a date night tonight. I'm trying here, guys. I told him we need to make an effort to hang out with each other at least a couple times a month. He agreed - willingly, might I add. It was scary thinking that my marriage was sort of rocky for a few weeks there - we've never experienced something like that before and I know it won't be the last time.

The biggest thing I want from him is to put us, me, his wife, and his children, our sons, first and foremost instead of trying to do everything else besides just simply be with us and be content.

It's hard. But right now I don't feel as alone as I did a couple weeks ago and that is definitely a sign things are going in the right direction. I never would have made it through these weeks without My Faith or my wonderful mother, who always has an ear to listen, a heart to open and courage to tell me the ugly truth when I need to hear it.

I promise to write about some financial or health and wellness fluff later this week.

Thanks for those that made it through this rant post.