What's In It For Me?

So, still being a "newbie" in blogger world, I am still introducing myself and who I am and all that good stuff. Everytime I blog I feel like I'm revealing something new about myself to the world and it's really fun; so here we go... Another "getting to know Just Another Mrs." a little better.

In case you're stumbling across this page for the first time and didn't bother looking at my sidebar or reading through my archives, I am a mother of two young boys, Colt (2) and Jake (8 months). On top of this full-time job of being a Mama, I also work at SecuraDI Consultants as Director of Business Development. Now, contrary to most, I really love my job and let me tell you why:

1. I am not micro-managed. I don't have someone breathing down my neck or telling me what to do. As long as I'm getting my work done, typically there are no complaints from "the boss man".
2. The owners of my company have a second home in South Carolina which creates for an even more "lax" work environment since they travel back and forth for weeks, even months at a time.
3. I'm one of  the only female in my office that doesn't have "assistant" behind her title. (Yes, I am tooting my own horn here, sorry!!!!).
4. I don't have any issues with having to leave work at the drop of a hat and believe me, this is awesome considering I have two small children whose immune systems are still getting built up.
5. I get to get out of the office and socialize, attend important meetings and give input to the direction our company is going.

I could go on and on and on about why I love my job, BUT - you knew this was coming if you have any foreshadowing capabilities - lately I've been seriously feeling empty about the work I do and it's because I wonder if my having a job will negatively impact my children. Before you judge and go, really, lady? Shush your mouth - let me give it from my point of view.

I love my boys so much. More than I ever thought I would. I know that sounds weird, but before your a mom, deep down you're not ever sure if you even want to be a mom and then when you are, you can't imagine life before you weren't a mom. I would do anything for my kids. And when I leave them in the morning, my heart breaks everyday. I wonder if they dislike me for leaving them. I wonder if they'll always remember me leaving them when they get older. As I continue to advance at my job, which I love and makes me happy, I wonder if they'll only remember that mommy came home late a lot.

These fears honestly cripple me when I think about them. Sometimes I think I should quit my job and stay home and raise them. Sometimes I even get dirty looks from other moms that stay home because ladies, let's be honest, when it comes to working moms and stay at home moms, it's very "us" and "them", it's never "we" - but, I guess nothing ever is in the land of females. Can we ever just all get along for heaven's sake? (That's another blog entirely...).

When I think about being a stay at home mom, I really don't know if I could do it. Working is a part of who I am and it's what I love to do. I want to succeed and I want to be successful in this world. I want to help people and I want to make a difference and in my company I have a chance to do all of those things.

When the boys get older and go off to school and eventually leave home, not to be selfish here but, what the hell would I do with myself then? If I stay home with my kids and quit my job, honestly, when it's all said and done, what's in it for me?

This is selfish to say, I know - there would be PLENTY in it for me - I wouldn't miss a single moment of their lives and that alone would be completely priceless. But, I would be giving away a piece of myself and sacrificing a piece of myself that I don't know I could mentally or physically. To not be working and give up my dream of having a career of my own is something that I am in no place to do.

But, in this life, can you really have it all? Can I be the best mom I can be and the best employee I can be? Probably not, being a mom will always come first. If I have a sick child, I have to care for them. If my child is begging me to stay home and I have enough PTO, I might stay home and work remotely when I have the chance throughout the day.

Once again, life continues to show me things that I never thought I'd have to deal with emotionally, physically, mentally or spiritually, but I guess that's what they call being an adult, right?

Please, stay-at-home mom's, avoid being to critical of me chasing my American Dream...